Trapped behind the two-way mirror

As a teen I often cried out for help. Nobody ever heard a damn scream. People walked out on me. Moms moved be away from the few friends I actually made. It seemed like I screamed and I was punished.

My mom would tell me how I felt and what to do or what not to do. I felt lost. I walked around unable to be myself. Nobody seemed to like me and my own mom didn’t entirely approve or accept me unless she controlled the strings above me.

Regardless I choose not to listen to her or I didn’t fully understand what she wanted me to do or WHY. It was often WHY. It made little since but not enough to fully but the pieces together. I could see she was upset but I did not know WHY. I could tell she wanted me at school but I couldn’t figure out WHY. Other times I would see something entirely different. I guess it looked much different from where I sat.

I beat on this damn two way mirror for years. Someone has gotta hear my cries for help. Nope. Mom shipped me back to my asshole dad. Still to this say I find it odd. I mean, I don’t care, but – whoa! Everything she wanted me to do – or – not do would be completely out the window with him.

This is the guy that was in jail for several weeks while my bub and I carried on with life. One day, we were being goofy as usually. Neither of us are sure who figured it out, but it had downed on us that he had not been home in at least 3 weeks. It very well may have been longer but 3 weeks we were certain of. In took another two weeks before we bothered calling his last know place to see if they seen him. I’m not sure if it was the fact that we neither saw a need, after all nobody told us that is what we should have did in a situation like that. My neighbor actually asked me to do it. I brushed it off, nah he’ll come back when he runs out of money.

A few days later, I called his mom, Grandma have you saw my father? Well he was here a few weeks ago, she told me. Hahaha I bout feel out laughing. What a fucking bitch I am. Thank goodness I can control this a little better now. It’s still there. My mom tried to take it out of me, telling me I didn’t feel this way or think like that.

Anyways, I told my bub what Grams had said. Somehow he tracked him down a little further. He was gone a total of 2 months. He lost his job and had spend 2 months in jail waiting a life time sentence for something he did not do. Someone posted bail and he was then able to contact someone who could contact us. We had a phone but neither of us bothered to answer it much. I was even off the hook a lot.

By the point was he was not a father kind of guy. We did not notice he was missing because it was typical. We did what we wanted and we survived on our own. My bub and I had each other that’s about it. He’s 10 years older than me and really messed up. Yup even more than me. I was always the responsible one who acted reasonably keeping us out of harms way while lifting in utter chaos.

How did we live with the chaos and the bullshit at home? We altered our state of mind. (My bubs life was really fucked up because of his extreame choices.) I took the low road, I can really transform with some alcohol. I became depend on it to a point. Not addicted. I need to socialize, I needed to speak, I could only find the strength to do this when I was fucked up. Yes I slurred, I’d walk sideways, and fall on my ass a lot. But I could find the voice to speak just enough to get me by. I do not depend on drinking. In fact, I do not really like it. Holy shit neither does my boyfriend. His friends seem to like the drunken me but he hates it. Note I do not see this. I do not see what I do or say that is so wrong with a few drinks once or twice a year. But he has made it clear he does not like it, what ever it is! His friends would say hey your different when you drink, we are going to get you to do this more often. He storms out pounding shit as he leaves. What!

I don’t know I used to have the just think it was because he was used to me not talking to them and when I did it would piss him off. I don’t know. It always confused me that he would tell me to just go and fuck them or marry them or something. I don’t get that either. I was not close to them. They were across the room, he was with us. I thought we were having a good time.

One thing that has makes people asked me lots of questions when I drink is how I can “out drink” the guys. How can someone twice my size be drunk and I’m not. We drank the same stuff, shot for shot. Why is he sick and I’m not hardly feeling a thing. I also don’t wake up sick. After I drink all night I don’t feel my best but I’m for sure not hugging the toilet or thanking it for being cold.

So what I’m saying is I felt like I was stuck inside with this lame ass bitch controlling me. I wanted to have fun the “real” me on the inside was much cooler much more interesting, not uptight, did not speak so differently, she got the jokes and laughter her ass off. She liked to go out have fun, flirt with the guys, be a nasty bitch to the woman who shrugged her off, take their boyfriend, ETC. But she wasn’t all bad but she was in there and she wanted out to have fun and life life up better than the controlled.

I now think that was just me. No I know that was me. I had trouble communicating with myself too. Knowing who I was where I belonged. I wanted to have fun but that fun did not mean I had to go to a club or be drunk. I just needed to find the way to express myself to communicate with the world that person on the other side of the wall was my frustration beating on the mirrored glass saying hey I’m speaking, I know you don’t understand me, and I don’t fully understand you either. I have picked up one things and tried to figure it out but I don’t think I quit got it right. I’m fun, give me a chance, get to know me. I know we don’t talk the same talk, we don’t walk the same walk. But I’m just as fun once you find me in here!

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