Finding My Voice

I started this blog to find my voice.

Let me clear this up. I can talk, speak, whatever. I’m talking about MY voice, my words!

Although I can speak and I have learned over the years what is expected (much like a dog would) but those things are learned. Just because I have the knowledge and abidance does not mean I actually mean the words and actions that come from within.

I have always felt that others, mainly my mom, has told me how to feel, act, think, etc. I always felt differently than I was told I felt. But I quickly learned I fit in much better when I just listened. But this became difficult and I began feeling like I was lost in the person I was.

Saying how I feel is not easy. Finding a way to put my own thoughts into words is hard for me. When I speak for myself I botch my feelings completely. I’m sure that is why people told me how I felt because they picked up on the difficulties I have finding my words and wanted to “help” me explain better. However they did not understand either.

Over the years, I have tried to voice myself in different ways. So far I have found that writing it helps me best. I know people get mad at me when I give them a letter but that is the only way I can speak my thoughts. It’s difficult for me to find the words to say, let alone the courage, since I know it bothers them. It would be nice if people would be a little kinder and understand this is not idea but its the only way for me. I wish that I could be snappy and blurt out what I want to say in a split second notice, like they do. I’ve tried. I’m a mean, mean, person when I do that. My voice stern, my choice of words are not well thought out and do not always reflect the clearest picture of my thoughts and they come out seeming kind of mean. I get drained much faster and I will end up melting down, if I did this too much.

Sometimes my voice is just silence. Sometimes I don’t feel a response is needed and feel that no voice is the best voice. I’m sorry if you expected me to reply to something you said. If you do not ask me a question, or ask me what I think, do not get mad at me when I do not respond. The same thing is reverse, people get when I answer them when they did not ask anything.

Image

I love this image. This is how I feel. Most of my friends are inside my computer too. In fact I’d probably be very anti-social (more than I already am) if it were not for the computer and facebook.

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4 Comments

  1. Benedicte

     /  October 30, 2012

    Hi! I’m here because you “liked” one of my posts, thank you! I’m compelled by your “voice”, and I’m looking forward to hearing more from you. I’m mum to two Aspies, one boy, one girl, and wife to an undiagnosed Aspie. What can I say? I love them all so so much. They all need time and patience, and I use writing to communicate with them a lot. Sometimes it’s hard, and takes everything I have to understand what’s going on, but it’s absolutely worth it. The kids have known about Asperger’s since before they got their official diagnoses – I’ve found it’s empowered my son, and reassured my daughter. She was lost in a whirlpool of recognising how different she was without understanding why. She’s scared… all the time. And I’m trying so hard to help her manage the world around her. Keep writing, it’s a magical thing.

    Reply
    • Thanks for stopping by!

      I totally relate to the statement you made about Asperger’s reassuring your daughter. I always knew I was different and I did not fit in. But I didn’t know WHY, I didn’t know WHAT I was doing wrong. Why did people not like me.. Why are the girls mean to me?! How am I being so different from them. I knew I was different but could not determine exactly what or how I was different. Because I was not told or helped as a child, I grew up feeling lost in myself. Asperger’s is very different and complex in girls, I’m learning!

      Reply
      • Benedicte

         /  November 5, 2012

        oh well done!! My heart breaks a little when I come across people who have had your experience. You are unique, and wonderful, and magical in your own way, but if you spend your life trying to be something you are not, you cannot help but feel “less than”.
        I saw something (I will have to hunt the reference again)… which fits here. Found it!! Enjoy! It makes me cry every single time, but I love it too… http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=o8limRtHZPs&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Do8limRtHZPs&gl=GB

      • I love that video. So true. Thanks for sharing it! Maybe I should share it with my sons school!! 😉

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