Frustrated Nonfunctional

So frustrated. I don’t even know where to begin, where to start, how to even present what I’m talking about. Inside I scream, “HELP” but nothing comes out. Nothing gets done. I know what needs done but I am unable to manage. I feel over loaded. I feel incapable. Interruptions cause chaos  Everything causes chaos  My life is full of chaos

As you may guess, chaos and aspies don’t mix well. And well, that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’m not mixing well in life. I’m not fitting in. Nothing is working smoothly. Everyday is a struggle. Why I don’t know. I’m not sure where the problem is. I’m not sure where I’m stuck but I don’t like the feeling. Not one bit.  I find myself numb and just wanting to escape I’m not depressed. I do not feel sad. But I try to escape the chaos life has became and drift into my own world where chaos is limited . I know it does not help any. I does not fix anything. Its just a band-aid that I know needs to be corrected, somehow. But until I figure out how I’m trapped between worlds. I’d like to join my family here on earth but the portal to me land looks much more pleasant and kind.

Some days are so bad. Some days I walk in reality. I’m unhappy with the clutter in my home and the items “out of place” at the hands of my little darlings. I want to declutter and asking someone to help means they will mess with my stuff. Which is no good in my head they will move it somewhere and I will not be able to find it. Or they will put it some place it does not “belong” or worse throw it out. Me doing it myself is overwhelming to say the least. I start having a hard time making decisions.

Some days I hear screaming, arguing, loud angry voices, back and forth between little people. Huh I should step in and teach my kids a thing or two. I do. 5 minutes late its the same thing. Frustrated and pending full mommy looks like a toddler meltdown I cover my ears and try to block it out until it stops. Then try again before I dash toward the portal into my own little world. Even if it stops now I will be off balanced for hours if not the whole day.

Some days my phone rings, then a text, before I know it days have pasted and I have 8 voice mails of family telling me to answer my phone. I absolutely HATE the phone. Its ok if I called but when someone calls me they are ALWAYS interrupting me. I’m always busy so if I didn’t call I guess that makes since but they don’t seem to get that.

One thing that is a problem is my inability to sleep. My mind never stops. Never I wake up, roll over and my mind is racing. One of the few times my mind rests is when I escape into a fixation of numbers or patterns. Crossing the t’s, dotting the i’s, filling in the o’s. Playing the dumb box tops chex mix game. That is the only time my brain “rests”.

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