Autistic? My kid is just a spoiled brat who would get better if we would just (fill in the blank)….

As a parent with a child on the spectrum, I’m annoyed by these kind of comments, like most other parents in shoes like mine (ha we must shop at the same place!)

I love my mom. Really she’s one of the few people who get me. I feel comfortable with her. Not completely but she’s able to be those pieces that fill the blank spots when others don’t come close.

One thing she never got was my autism. As her only child she assumed she just spoiled me. That perhaps if she would have just done *fill in the blank* I would have been different.

When the school suggested something wasn’t right she was defensive. She saw a smart kid. A kid that was advanced at xyz and learned easily with her non professionally teaching me… and if I was having problems learning abc… perhaps the teachers were not professionally trained or doing their jobs.

When they begged her to test me. She angrily declined.

Yes I was smart in areas but I struggled in others. Yes I was spoiled but I was not just being a spoiled brat. Everything had a purpose. Everything needed to be so… EVERYTHING. Play. School. Friends. Sleep. Breathing. Clothing. Shoes. EVERYTHING! It not needed to be a “good” reason to you. I didn’t need to be acceptable either.

When the suggested placing me in the seclusion class anyway, she flipped out. Whoa I remember being there for that meeting.

An IEP was put in place for me. A few teachers requested it on my behalf. I team was created and I assume knowing what I know about my own child’s “team” and what they can and cannot do; she was invited to “join” the “team” but the team can still move on without her. Again I assume this is where she was “forced” to consent.

I finally was able to get minimum services through the school. But I missed out on so much. I wish my mom could have accepted me and not fought to not get me help. I needed help. Now that I’m an adult I struggle each and every day, in silence, unable to deal with the chaos in the real world.

Mom spanking me would not have worked. When you gave into my quirk request from frustration  you were not being a bad mom. You were doing the natural thing. I needed to sooth myself and by hitting me, again, or re-spanking me, you fixed the problem that I needed. I would not have stopped. I would not have given up. I can tell you now I could outlast you and run circles around you. To me it makes since. I don’t expect you to make since of it or my autism but simply to accept it.

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I scream but nobody hears

I scream who I am, but nobody hears. I scream what I am, why I am, because I am, but the echos go unheard; and misunderstood.

I’m much more than the surface shows. I have a personality. I have reasons. I have wants and needs just like everyone else.

It’s not often, I want to share more than the surface shows. But when I do  – no one is here to hear what I say.

The way I communicate is probably much of the reason. But its all I know. This is the only language I speak and now I’m figuring out I’m the only one who knows the basic grammar on the language I scream.

I pretend so much. I avoid so much. Even my best friend don’t know me like he used to. He got me before. Well more than most. Now he knows the least. He’s right there above the stranger in the store than stairs at me while I nervously tremble, sweat building up under my pour, fighting to stay “logged in” while I eagerly count the seconds until I’m  save to shut down.

The more I explain, the harder I try… the less I’m heard and the more I’m more than just a misfit. The anxiety that is triggered by this all…  I remember why I stopped talking and trying to get it out. My best friend and my mom both my besties kill me, shoot me dead. Bang, Bang.

Then BAM happy little world. I get on a high with myself excited about something I latched on to for my new interest. In hear everything makes sense.

Was that it? Was my best friend, the father of my children, only my interest for the past 10 years? Did I complete it? That’s it? WTF!? Have I lost interest? Yeah so I know I have  lost some interest. I’ve grown very board and unsatisfied… But this is everything against human nature. Am I really that alien-like?! Nah, but I am maxed-out, and he’s not “getting” me. He’s not making the right effort. He’s not keeping my interest, any longer. Instead of the want, it’s now much more chore or work, but without a paycheck or reward, without a “purpose” – at least one that satisfies me and makes me want to…. $%^&*#$%

I float and drift through lots but sometimes I need to release more creative energy and he’s been pushing me down and pulling the plug on it. It don’t make sense to me I have not fully decoded it so I can not explain anymore but I’m feeling explosive!

I love him, I love him not

I’m sure that I am not an easy one to live with. I’ve been told. My mom was eager to get me out, even before I was 18. I graduated High School at 18, with an apartment.

Since then I’ve been independant. My whole like I had people making choices for me and now I could do it for myself. I didn’t like the change at first. I missed sleeping with my mom. I missed the smell of her house. I missed my mommy. But once I got settled, I got set in my ways. Hey if I want the table here. Here is were it will go. If I need the couch and chair to line up – fine – Its mine!

But then I met him… he lived with him mom and pops, never had what I had. He was childish, outgoing, and fun. Something I desired. Something I was not but not by choice. Remember I never knew why I was the way I was. Always happy with myself I saw I was different and I saw that I was the same. Nobody could ever see that. Nobody could see this side of me because it hid inside and masked itself in a quirky artistic way. So I hung out with you and we had a really great time. You were my best friend. What you don’t know my name? You asked me hey aren’t you that girl at my school. So maybe it was just me having a good time watching you have a good time. I was posted on the wall like the fly. It was the best time of my life.

Well when I met him , he made me feel like that but he remembered my name. I may have been a fly on the wall but he noticed me and played with me. He kept the conversation going. When he was loud it was goofy stuff and it made me laugh. I never laughed before unless it was me being the “funny” one with my bbf (my true friend that saw past the shell) or my bub that was stranger than I. He could be somewhat obnoxious and it was awesome to have that taken from me and be able to find humor in it.

But then somewhere things changed. Me saying shit thats down right mean because I thought thats they way to but the way I felt into human words. And the lack of shutdown time. I needed recharged and I didn’t and still do not know how to get this out (well I think I do but nobody listens- so I guess its not quite right) .

I want a family. I have a family. But I feel like I’m doing in alone with him watching. I’m the watcher and if I’m not watching get your ass up here with me. I’m tired of not being heard. Hes tired of me not talkin or “bitching.” I see it as I’m right and honestly I’m not willing to change much. I’m me. I’m who I have always been. He is the one that changed. The only change is he has not grown up any. Except hes mean now and it rare that hes funny. Its not cute being a kid when you have kids.

gwigfwgf gfuegfi nothing got out. Not only can I not talk but I can’t seem to get it out anywhere other than my head -Which BTW fully understands. Since he has came back – I’m not so happy. He yells a lot. He scares me – no startles me. He touches me. He asked me what I’m doing and makes me want to stop doing anything. (I don’t know why) He makes me feel down. I’m not a down person although I appear to others as a sad depressed person. (But I am not!) He says stuff he don’t mean and then he don’t follow through. If you say you want to leave and move out this weekend – of course come Monday I wonder WTF you are doing here. Wait what monday? Fuck. This shit confuses me. We certainly did not make up. I went to sleep I woke up. Nothing changed. I don’t understand this crap. He says to tell him when I need help. I was raised that a “real” man would do it when he was it was needed. But I compromised and started asking him. He ignores me or complains or acts like a hooker that would only do whatever if I gave him something. Huh. Now we have two problems you were a lazy fucking loser who was not man enough to do the “dirty” work and you ignored me. Then you are made when I do it myself and other guys asked what the fuck is wrong with my so called man. Then you get mad when they help me do what you should have done. And he call him my boyfriend or start stuff with them. Or wait you didn’t want it done at all. I’m confused. Man up or get over it.

Finding My Voice

I started this blog to find my voice.

Let me clear this up. I can talk, speak, whatever. I’m talking about MY voice, my words!

Although I can speak and I have learned over the years what is expected (much like a dog would) but those things are learned. Just because I have the knowledge and abidance does not mean I actually mean the words and actions that come from within.

I have always felt that others, mainly my mom, has told me how to feel, act, think, etc. I always felt differently than I was told I felt. But I quickly learned I fit in much better when I just listened. But this became difficult and I began feeling like I was lost in the person I was.

Saying how I feel is not easy. Finding a way to put my own thoughts into words is hard for me. When I speak for myself I botch my feelings completely. I’m sure that is why people told me how I felt because they picked up on the difficulties I have finding my words and wanted to “help” me explain better. However they did not understand either.

Over the years, I have tried to voice myself in different ways. So far I have found that writing it helps me best. I know people get mad at me when I give them a letter but that is the only way I can speak my thoughts. It’s difficult for me to find the words to say, let alone the courage, since I know it bothers them. It would be nice if people would be a little kinder and understand this is not idea but its the only way for me. I wish that I could be snappy and blurt out what I want to say in a split second notice, like they do. I’ve tried. I’m a mean, mean, person when I do that. My voice stern, my choice of words are not well thought out and do not always reflect the clearest picture of my thoughts and they come out seeming kind of mean. I get drained much faster and I will end up melting down, if I did this too much.

Sometimes my voice is just silence. Sometimes I don’t feel a response is needed and feel that no voice is the best voice. I’m sorry if you expected me to reply to something you said. If you do not ask me a question, or ask me what I think, do not get mad at me when I do not respond. The same thing is reverse, people get when I answer them when they did not ask anything.

Image

I love this image. This is how I feel. Most of my friends are inside my computer too. In fact I’d probably be very anti-social (more than I already am) if it were not for the computer and facebook.

Three bucks in the parking lot

My partner tells me a story. I was beyond confused at the point, middle, just all of it. I had a WTF movement. I silently sat trying to make since of what this man was trying to say. Before I asked him what the fuck kind of story is this! f

“I was walking into work. I looked up and saw three bucks floating right in front of me. It was pretty much right in front of me and I couldn’t have missed it if I would have tried….”

So five or one, hell, even twenty bucks floating is one thing but THREE wow, together?! Damn. Hmmm. Did you get em, I asked?

No are you crazy? He replied.

Well were they blowing or something?

Blowing what? He was about as confused as me.

The fucking three bucks. Did you go and get them? Or just let them pass on by?

He says, I just let them go.

Oh ok. Yeah three bucks don’t go far now days.

His responses, nope I see them almost every morning in the same place.

I blurt out, I’d probably got them anyway though. Three bucks is three bucks, yo!

I hear what he had said and now I’m more confused. Really not a FIVE, not a TEN, or just a SINGLE. You see the same fucking three bucks floating by you in the parking lot every damn morning and NONE of you assholes bother to bend over and pick them up.

He is frustrated and growls at me about it being BUCKS and not money.

I seriously went on with the topic imagining this asshole seeing three one dollar bills blowing in the wind! 😀

When you throw it back in my face…

I’m least likely to share things with you anymore. I have been picked on my entire life because people do not agree with my way or my point of view. Maybe nothing is ‘wrong’ with me. Maybe it’s just them.

I have a tenancy to cut people out of my life. Just. Like. That. I don’t just do it for no reason. Their is always reason but I typically do not bother sharing the reason why. I do not see a point in telling them. It’s not something negotiable. I’m not giving any extra chances to prove their self to me. It’s not going to be pretty. So why bother? Just fuck off, yo! You’ll get the hint.

People = Unhappy Drama (why I say no thanks)

It just seems as nobody can keep me happy with them. I attract assholes and rejects. I’m surrounded by them. Not a soul around me understands me. All of them seem like they are around me for their own selfish reasons. They all seem to be a bunch of button mashers and I’m tired of having my triggers going off because others want to place their own unhappiness on me. I don’t make you unhappy. You make you unhappy. If I make you so damn unhappy…. walk away. Remember I’m fine alone. I like it like that. I rarely piss myself off but others are a different story…

I do not feel good and I’m not in the mood to play a game of charades with you. And yelling at me or talking too loud,aggressively, toward me – is a sure one way ride…. right out the front door.

Most people irritate me and I like to spend most of my time alone because of it.

Crowded & Alone: Just one of those days…

Today has felt like one of those days when I feel over crowded, yet still alone. Alone in a world where I don’t seem to fit in. I feel like sometimes sense I learned I’m an Aspie that people deliberately try to confuse me or push the clear “don’t push me” buttons. So not only does it feel like I’m alone, it also feels like I’m the butt of some joke. Maybe its just others not taking me seriously. I keep a lot of my strange traits to myself. I never speak of them, ever. But the ones I do are really major in the since of comfort and happiness.

When I don’t clearly understand something and I ask questions, I  am not pretending to be stupid. I do not ask so to piss people off. If you are talking about something to me. I try to understand. I replay in my head attempting to make sense of it. If I do not understand, I will do one of two things: look at you – look down – then walk away or ignore you, or I will ask questions. When the person becomes irritated with me and raises their voice I shut them out. In my world I see LOUD unhappy voices as a threat. Out they go. Then later on, that person will calmed down and try to talk to me again. They become irritated again with me because I’m not listening. Again I naturally assume “threat,” “unpleasant,” “chaos,” “unhappy,” “don’t like me,” “bully” (ctrl + alt + delete) carry on with what you were doing… When I don’t feel like I can be apart of the convo because I don’t get it and feeling like I messed up by speaking up or made to feel like a stupid person then I don’t have interest in it.

To a normal – I would give them this example: listening to a guy speaking Spanish to you sounds like a story but and you do not know a single word in Spanish. You can not make out what he’s saying, when you tell him you don’t understand he begins shouting at you and making obscene gestures and you feel uncomfortable. You are going to think he’s crazy and walk away. If you see him again later that day you are not going to give him the time of day.

Haven’t thought of what…

Haven’t thought of what I should call myself, as that seems to sum up many people with Aspergers—the whole switching of identities.

– Comment made by Aspergers Girls Ten Traits post.

Look at me while I misunderstand you: An Aspie/NT Morning

Look at me while I misunderstand you

– Blog: 30 Days of Autism

 

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