Life folding


This is what best describes my life right now. I have faked my abilities as long as I could. I pretended and fooled the world with my ninja faking skills all the way until the end. The deck is complete, the last card placed on the house. I take a step back and admire my work. But in the blink of an eye the house crumbles.

I guess what I’m trying to say is my card house is just a fake house built out of cards. No matter how good I made it, its just a card house and as far as I know, nobody can live in one. That’s pretty much how my life is. I have pretended and faked my way to the top and I do not have a next move.

When I was a girl, I would look weird, walking in line with the rest of my class, jumping from crack-to-crack. I was trying to step on the cracks in the “correct” spot, just so, ensuring that the left foot felt exactly the same as the right foot. It was a game, a game I MUST do. It was both soothing and frustrating but its what got me from point a to point b when I was actually in with the regular class for part of the day. My teachers had to notice my unusual behavior but they knew I was a quirky special ed student, so they never said anything about it or appeared to notice. Or did they and I just failed to notice them noticing me?!

I recall a day when a girl in line near me jumped in my way causing me to miss my move. I did not say anything. I never said much. Back and forth talking seemed useless and I felt it was a “waste” of my precious voice. As if, a voice was something I could run out of by using too much! We were getting close to the music trailer and I knew I must act fast to “catch up” on that missed move. Left foot needs two cracks near the toes to match the right. But I must carry on the left right left pattern and make up the difference BEFORE the stop. I’m guessing my behavior became more abnormal as the girl continued to poke fun at me. This time stepping on my shoes and “cutting” in front of me to slam on the breaks at the cracks and when I’d crash into her she would stomp on my feet. Then as we walked into music she asked why I was such a freak. The teacher must have heard her because she was pulled a side. I heard her arguing her side as I placed my hands on my ears trying to drown out the rest of the class practicing rhythm in the form of whacking two sticks together. The girl asked if I was happy now in a smart alecky voice. I did not catch on but I was happy and happily said yes. At the last crack I completed my game and my feet for even! So yes, I was happy! 🙂

The teacher returned, she went to the music teacher and whispered something to her, she then came and tapped me on the shoulder and had me leave. I started to wonder if I was in trouble is that what that smart elkie girl had was talking about. The teacher did not speak a word to me as she walked in front of me. I was trying not to step on any cracks along the way because that was easier than catching up. Besides my mind was elsewhere. What did I do? She lead me to my other classroom where I was not scheduled to go until later that day. I was the only one in there. The teacher finally spoke and asked what I like to do best in there? I stood quiet and looking around. The room was different  I guess it just felt that way since the teacher and other students where not there. I pointed to the large apple computer that sat together in a row along the wall. She walked over to it pushing a button or two  and checking the plugin and announced she’d be right back as she walked out. She was taking to long. I was now in the mood to play one of those silly number muncher games. I walked turned the computer on. Found my game, loaded it up and was quietly playing it when the teacher returned asking what else I’d like to do before realizing I had turned on the system myself. She sad down beside me as I clicked away on the keyboard not missing a beat. She was amazed and asked how I knew how to do that?

Now that I’m older I assume she was missing her break. I smile now and wish I didn’t live 900 miles away from the school and wish that I could actually remember what her name was or even what she looked like. I’d love to tell her thanks for being kind to me that day. I’d love to tell her how much computer are a part of my life and that I know she ate her lunch in that room because she was amazed at what I was doing. Until that point she probably assumed I was helpless and I would grow up needing to be saved regularly for the rest of my life. Then I had no clue but not long after I started noticing more things like this and the little girl who thought I was weird.

Later on in the year, I concealed my game I took a val to only play it at home or on the way to or from school. And secretly when I was walking without my class! I was proud I had worked hard not being weird and felt I was not weird anymore! For several days, I was not in my contained class. I was going outside for recess and I watched the girls playing games. I saw my chance to jump in and play too and was quickly rejected. Apparently they had a secret meeting to not allow me in the snotty girls club. Girls were so mean. So nasty. They would say snarly things I would not get the meaning then they would laugh at me for not understanding. While I had my share of bullies and have been hit the mental abuse from these snarly little girls was the worst by far. It scared the insides and stuck with me forever.

I learned valuable life lessons from it all. I learned to build up a shell and fuck the world in whole attitude. Trust no one. Only fear, fear and expect the unexpected. Stop look and listen and ask yourself how could this be bad. Not that I’m negative or look for the bad in others just to please myself. I do it in self defense as a way of life and being able to survive. I’m at a disadvantage and this stratagus is all I know, from experience.


Whirling Twirling Around

I’m here.

I’m there.

Wait… you missed me. Now I’m over here.

I’m all over the place. Fuck this world spins too fast sometimes.

Chaos feels my head this summer. So many “changes,” so little time. SO many pushy people and nowhere to run.

I’m desperately seeking my escape but can seem to grasp something long enough to hold my attention. I twirl, whirl, all around looking for my next niche to bury myself into, abandoning the others once loved interests. I’m sure once the dust starts to settle and the air clears I will see them in the rear view and find my way back to some of them. I guess in the mean time I will just twirl around jerking the e-brake for a spontaneous sideways drift that fills my mind with overload and chaos.

What I’d do for a {Klondike Bar}…

Let me start by saying I can not resist the urge to say shit stuff like the title of this post. I was simple going to say “What I’d do for a…” Then my brain had to dig up an old memory of that stupid Klondike commercial from the late 80’s & early 90’s. It seems foolish that I can remember the jingle from way back when I can remember what all I need to do tomorrow. Nuff said. ~

I’d do just about anything  to spend time outside with my kids, without feeling so over whelmed with my surroundings. I would be so nice to maybe resist the urge to “do something” and enjoy those little moments with my kids doing “nothing” but do “everything” in their eyes.

I often feel like I’m in another world watching them play. Watching them while “do something.” or rocking back and forth in my swing, just starring. Something other than spend quality time with them. I want to be with them. As in actually being there with them and not alone in a world somewhere with this head of mine. I can’t seem to find a way to pull myself out of my world and interact with them like I want to. When I do pull myself out, it seems that one of us gets annoyed with the other and I scare myself back in the the shell I was in. I have a major hard time communicating. I really am just seeing how bad it really is. Of course, I’ve known this almost forever but now I see it more so.


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