Finding My Voice

I started this blog to find my voice.

Let me clear this up. I can talk, speak, whatever. I’m talking about MY voice, my words!

Although I can speak and I have learned over the years what is expected (much like a dog would) but those things are learned. Just because I have the knowledge and abidance does not mean I actually mean the words and actions that come from within.

I have always felt that others, mainly my mom, has told me how to feel, act, think, etc. I always felt differently than I was told I felt. But I quickly learned I fit in much better when I just listened. But this became difficult and I began feeling like I was lost in the person I was.

Saying how I feel is not easy. Finding a way to put my own thoughts into words is hard for me. When I speak for myself I botch my feelings completely. I’m sure that is why people told me how I felt because they picked up on the difficulties I have finding my words and wanted to “help” me explain better. However they did not understand either.

Over the years, I have tried to voice myself in different ways. So far I have found that writing it helps me best. I know people get mad at me when I give them a letter but that is the only way I can speak my thoughts. It’s difficult for me to find the words to say, let alone the courage, since I know it bothers them. It would be nice if people would be a little kinder and understand this is not idea but its the only way for me. I wish that I could be snappy and blurt out what I want to say in a split second notice, like they do. I’ve tried. I’m a mean, mean, person when I do that. My voice stern, my choice of words are not well thought out and do not always reflect the clearest picture of my thoughts and they come out seeming kind of mean. I get drained much faster and I will end up melting down, if I did this too much.

Sometimes my voice is just silence. Sometimes I don’t feel a response is needed and feel that no voice is the best voice. I’m sorry if you expected me to reply to something you said. If you do not ask me a question, or ask me what I think, do not get mad at me when I do not respond. The same thing is reverse, people get when I answer them when they did not ask anything.

Image

I love this image. This is how I feel. Most of my friends are inside my computer too. In fact I’d probably be very anti-social (more than I already am) if it were not for the computer and facebook.

Enuresis

Enuresis is urinating in places beside the potty. This has frustrated me for years. My son would pee everywhere. I thought we were alone, that we failed as parents. I was embarrassed and discussed of my house. We did our best to clean, clean, clean. But it seemed that it was never good enough. Ahh. I’m still trying to piece all of it together. He has since improved greatly. But our house is far from normal. We just learned that he has a form of Autism. Things have gotten so much better since we learned what the problem was by just making little changes.

 

Links:

Bedwetting: another autistic problem?

My Aspergers Child: Aspergers and Enuresis.

12 & peeing everywhere but in toilet

Bedwetting and Autism

Adult: Sexual or nonsexual

“Sex is beautiful and natural and everyone wants to have sex so it’s nothing to be ashamed of!”

And I agree, sex is nothing to be ashamed of. But there’s one little detail there: not everyone wants sex or gets pleasure from it. They’re roughly 1% of the population. And with 7 billion people on the planet, 1% equals 70,000,000. Seventy million people is a lot of experiences to erase.

So, roughly 70,000,000 people on this planet don’t want sex. Or they want sex in certain contexts. Or they kind of sometimes want sex but not often. Or they have sex to satisfy a partner, but don’t get much out of it for themselves. Or they have a sex drive, just… not towards other people. Or they can’t stand the thought of sex.

And that’s okay too.

Sex positivity for me is accepting that whether you have sex a lot, or you never have sex, whether you have a million kinks or you can’t stand sex outside the missionary position, whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, sapiosexual, autosexual, objectumsexual, or asexual, the way you look at sex and attraction is valid and normal, as long as it’s not hurting anyone.

via I am. I am. I am.

You might be a SINGLE parent of a child with autism if…

You might be a SINGLE parent of a child with autism if….

via You might be a SINGLE parent of a child with autism if….

Hack Needed

I need a hack! 🙂 Just something to keep my neighbors out when a fence is not an option.

The causal smiles and awkward small talk is enough to make me not want to step a foot out the door. When I’m out I know I’m out, no longer in. On good days in the neighborhood, its so quite. I sit and listen to the pool filter shot water out, skimming water sings a peaceful tune to my mind. I’m alone in the yard in tune with the land beneath my soles. Then around the corner one of my many, friendly neighbor peeks around the corner startling me (a feeling I absolutely hate!) and rudely interrupting my soothing pool pump symphony. Without notice I’m no longer alone in the space I just rode solo. I’m startled, leaving an unpleasant tingle lingering through my body. I have to pry myself from my world of peace and thoughts to do human neighborly things.  Do they really care if I’m swimming today. I’m not in the pool. I’m fully dressed in clothing I would not wear inside of a pool. Does it really matter? When I do lawn work. Must you sit and stair at me like I’m a movie on your 50 inch set? Would you like some popcorn? I feel like I fail. I fail at life. I’m strange to you, I know. Now you make me feel like I can not even pull weeds correctly. No I’m not a pro and some of these weeds are on steroids. Is it necessary to thank me for pulling the weeds? Is that an unspoken social rule I’m not aware of? Or is the old hag just being a bitch?

In my defense, the fence is not mine. It is also not shared property as it’s not on the property line. It’s about 6 inches on her side and about 6 inches too close to my property to begin with.) I do not use the fence and the other sides of my lawn are not fenced in. Personally, I do not like the fence. I’m a visual person, and well, its ugly! But it keeps her over there, so put it out of my mind. I would love to spay paint the rusty stain color or hang bamboo fence on it… but its not mine. And neither is the couple inches that I regularly mow. 

I never mow before dinner. I wait until the evening has shaded the lawn. She waters the plants along the fence around that time now. Her lawn floods. I had drains installed in my lawn and it has solved the problem with my lawn. She has built the area up near the fence and planted flowers along the area. Nice but when she waters it soaks the area. The water runs down into my lawn until it hits my drain near the property line. I don’t like being wet so I will not kindly do that area that she has flooded. I also do not treat that area with weed and feed since it’s so close to her garden. I do not want to kill her plants or worse poison her veggies. So the area can get weeds  and they like to grow in the fence.  The flooding has really damaged the lawn in that area. It’s not mine so I do not mind but I will take care of it for the sake of my own lawn. 

Off subject for a moment for a funny somewhat related story: Its a hard not life, for her anyway. My other half would not do the fence knowing its hers and knowing she comes to the fence and at him or watches him close by. She caught on and came around pulled the weeds. Few weeks later they had really grown and my other half was stubborn and would not do the weeds along the fence. She called the city and complained. The city kindly sent me a letter reminding me of the rules. I was not breaking any so I disguised the letter. A short time later I got another letter informing me that a neighbor had complained and if I had weeds they need to be trimmed within 2 days or I would be charged $500 for a city worker to do them for me. Again, I did not have any weeds and knowing it was her complaining we made OUR lawn look perfect for the 48 hours later!

48 hours later…. As the letter stated a truck pulled up and I snapped a few photos. They trimmed the weeds and were done in no time, I walked out with the letter in my hand and the paper to our home that shows where the fence are located. I told the guy to not the accurate address in his report because I had mailed a copy to the city’s office prior. I never heard a thing about it again and I was not billed. 

Anyway the lawn is a slop and mess in the area the fence is not several inches above the ground and the mower no longer fits in the ditch she has created. I have thought about doing something low maintenance with it just so I don’t have to look at it but you never know what other people will say or do. 

Three bucks in the parking lot

My partner tells me a story. I was beyond confused at the point, middle, just all of it. I had a WTF movement. I silently sat trying to make since of what this man was trying to say. Before I asked him what the fuck kind of story is this! f

“I was walking into work. I looked up and saw three bucks floating right in front of me. It was pretty much right in front of me and I couldn’t have missed it if I would have tried….”

So five or one, hell, even twenty bucks floating is one thing but THREE wow, together?! Damn. Hmmm. Did you get em, I asked?

No are you crazy? He replied.

Well were they blowing or something?

Blowing what? He was about as confused as me.

The fucking three bucks. Did you go and get them? Or just let them pass on by?

He says, I just let them go.

Oh ok. Yeah three bucks don’t go far now days.

His responses, nope I see them almost every morning in the same place.

I blurt out, I’d probably got them anyway though. Three bucks is three bucks, yo!

I hear what he had said and now I’m more confused. Really not a FIVE, not a TEN, or just a SINGLE. You see the same fucking three bucks floating by you in the parking lot every damn morning and NONE of you assholes bother to bend over and pick them up.

He is frustrated and growls at me about it being BUCKS and not money.

I seriously went on with the topic imagining this asshole seeing three one dollar bills blowing in the wind! 😀

Whirling Twirling Around

I’m here.

I’m there.

Wait… you missed me. Now I’m over here.

I’m all over the place. Fuck this world spins too fast sometimes.

Chaos feels my head this summer. So many “changes,” so little time. SO many pushy people and nowhere to run.

I’m desperately seeking my escape but can seem to grasp something long enough to hold my attention. I twirl, whirl, all around looking for my next niche to bury myself into, abandoning the others once loved interests. I’m sure once the dust starts to settle and the air clears I will see them in the rear view and find my way back to some of them. I guess in the mean time I will just twirl around jerking the e-brake for a spontaneous sideways drift that fills my mind with overload and chaos.

About: Special Children

About: Special Children

When you throw it back in my face…

I’m least likely to share things with you anymore. I have been picked on my entire life because people do not agree with my way or my point of view. Maybe nothing is ‘wrong’ with me. Maybe it’s just them.

I have a tenancy to cut people out of my life. Just. Like. That. I don’t just do it for no reason. Their is always reason but I typically do not bother sharing the reason why. I do not see a point in telling them. It’s not something negotiable. I’m not giving any extra chances to prove their self to me. It’s not going to be pretty. So why bother? Just fuck off, yo! You’ll get the hint.

Advice for Dating an Aspie

Advice for Dating an Aspie

If your partner is an Aspie, this post by Bittergrapes will help you come up with a plan about relationship dos and don’ts. Including things like: Being clear, honest, and upfront, avoid sarcasm, don’t assume it’s common sense, meltdowns, boundaries, and more.

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