I don’t know – I’m not lying.

Frustrated. Very frustrated. My entire life has been a huge finding me seek. I think I found it and then I’m suddenly detouring down another path after becoming so board. I won’t flip flop but more a subtle turn.

Barely a year – into knowing I’m one of the few adults who received a diagnosis and I feel more frustrated today than ever before. Now I feel like I’m under the watch of others as I scam to pick up the pieces to find who I am and announce it to the world with expression. The thing is – I know who I am. I’ve always known, really. I didn’t know then, I knew because I could not say I knew. Confused yet?!

My moods vary and this is confusing not only to me but others as well. I okay with it. All my moods make up me but they vary as if I’m a misfit.

Hmmm…

Think puzzle factory mixing up many puzzle pictures. All used the same die to cut the shapes but each has a different piece. While I’m a completed puzzle, I don’t quite match. My whole completed picture just isn’t right!! We have a sky piece and a pumpkin eye next to firework sparks. I’m sure everyone has multiside/moods but I can not express myself in a way that is sublet to blend in and standout in a nice even, balanced way. The puzzle gets funny looks when the pieces don’t match. I want to blend in – however I want to be heard too.

I’m frustrated because I can not find those words I need to express myself.

One of my biggest problems, my cluelessness to the world. I starting to see this now.

You can ask me to answer a question that is true and a fact only I can know. I will tell you I do not know because I never gave it thought. I will not be able to answer you until I go home – and think about it. It may be hours or days later before I finally figure it out.

I need that time! For me, I didn’t need to think of it. I knew it – but I somehow did not pick up on it until I later wrecked my mind to replay it all and then find the words that best describe it.

Sometimes I don’t get jokes and I don’t pick up on sarcasm. Sometimes I trust (or don’t trust) when I need to do the other – but how can I be just as blind to the subtle gestures in my very own mind as I am in this world? Or be so blind that I can not answer such factish questions about myself?!

The good thing is at least I have my database backed up and can access the info. Sometimes I’m not able to do that in this world, especially when the chaos follows me.

So I’m not lying I just did not process the info you requested. I need to gather my thoughts to be able to answer it correctly. I guess my mind saw that part of life as unimportant white noise and stored it in the recycle bin (good thing I don’t cclean it too!)

I’m autistic even in my world! Perhaps subtle things get past me in my (odd coffee filter) mind and other subtle things still annoy the shit out of me in both worlds. 🙂

world.png

 

I scream but nobody hears

I scream who I am, but nobody hears. I scream what I am, why I am, because I am, but the echos go unheard; and misunderstood.

I’m much more than the surface shows. I have a personality. I have reasons. I have wants and needs just like everyone else.

It’s not often, I want to share more than the surface shows. But when I do  – no one is here to hear what I say.

The way I communicate is probably much of the reason. But its all I know. This is the only language I speak and now I’m figuring out I’m the only one who knows the basic grammar on the language I scream.

I pretend so much. I avoid so much. Even my best friend don’t know me like he used to. He got me before. Well more than most. Now he knows the least. He’s right there above the stranger in the store than stairs at me while I nervously tremble, sweat building up under my pour, fighting to stay “logged in” while I eagerly count the seconds until I’m  save to shut down.

The more I explain, the harder I try… the less I’m heard and the more I’m more than just a misfit. The anxiety that is triggered by this all…  I remember why I stopped talking and trying to get it out. My best friend and my mom both my besties kill me, shoot me dead. Bang, Bang.

Then BAM happy little world. I get on a high with myself excited about something I latched on to for my new interest. In hear everything makes sense.

Was that it? Was my best friend, the father of my children, only my interest for the past 10 years? Did I complete it? That’s it? WTF!? Have I lost interest? Yeah so I know I have  lost some interest. I’ve grown very board and unsatisfied… But this is everything against human nature. Am I really that alien-like?! Nah, but I am maxed-out, and he’s not “getting” me. He’s not making the right effort. He’s not keeping my interest, any longer. Instead of the want, it’s now much more chore or work, but without a paycheck or reward, without a “purpose” – at least one that satisfies me and makes me want to…. $%^&*#$%

I float and drift through lots but sometimes I need to release more creative energy and he’s been pushing me down and pulling the plug on it. It don’t make sense to me I have not fully decoded it so I can not explain anymore but I’m feeling explosive!

I love him, I love him not

I’m sure that I am not an easy one to live with. I’ve been told. My mom was eager to get me out, even before I was 18. I graduated High School at 18, with an apartment.

Since then I’ve been independant. My whole like I had people making choices for me and now I could do it for myself. I didn’t like the change at first. I missed sleeping with my mom. I missed the smell of her house. I missed my mommy. But once I got settled, I got set in my ways. Hey if I want the table here. Here is were it will go. If I need the couch and chair to line up – fine – Its mine!

But then I met him… he lived with him mom and pops, never had what I had. He was childish, outgoing, and fun. Something I desired. Something I was not but not by choice. Remember I never knew why I was the way I was. Always happy with myself I saw I was different and I saw that I was the same. Nobody could ever see that. Nobody could see this side of me because it hid inside and masked itself in a quirky artistic way. So I hung out with you and we had a really great time. You were my best friend. What you don’t know my name? You asked me hey aren’t you that girl at my school. So maybe it was just me having a good time watching you have a good time. I was posted on the wall like the fly. It was the best time of my life.

Well when I met him , he made me feel like that but he remembered my name. I may have been a fly on the wall but he noticed me and played with me. He kept the conversation going. When he was loud it was goofy stuff and it made me laugh. I never laughed before unless it was me being the “funny” one with my bbf (my true friend that saw past the shell) or my bub that was stranger than I. He could be somewhat obnoxious and it was awesome to have that taken from me and be able to find humor in it.

But then somewhere things changed. Me saying shit thats down right mean because I thought thats they way to but the way I felt into human words. And the lack of shutdown time. I needed recharged and I didn’t and still do not know how to get this out (well I think I do but nobody listens- so I guess its not quite right) .

I want a family. I have a family. But I feel like I’m doing in alone with him watching. I’m the watcher and if I’m not watching get your ass up here with me. I’m tired of not being heard. Hes tired of me not talkin or “bitching.” I see it as I’m right and honestly I’m not willing to change much. I’m me. I’m who I have always been. He is the one that changed. The only change is he has not grown up any. Except hes mean now and it rare that hes funny. Its not cute being a kid when you have kids.

gwigfwgf gfuegfi nothing got out. Not only can I not talk but I can’t seem to get it out anywhere other than my head -Which BTW fully understands. Since he has came back – I’m not so happy. He yells a lot. He scares me – no startles me. He touches me. He asked me what I’m doing and makes me want to stop doing anything. (I don’t know why) He makes me feel down. I’m not a down person although I appear to others as a sad depressed person. (But I am not!) He says stuff he don’t mean and then he don’t follow through. If you say you want to leave and move out this weekend – of course come Monday I wonder WTF you are doing here. Wait what monday? Fuck. This shit confuses me. We certainly did not make up. I went to sleep I woke up. Nothing changed. I don’t understand this crap. He says to tell him when I need help. I was raised that a “real” man would do it when he was it was needed. But I compromised and started asking him. He ignores me or complains or acts like a hooker that would only do whatever if I gave him something. Huh. Now we have two problems you were a lazy fucking loser who was not man enough to do the “dirty” work and you ignored me. Then you are made when I do it myself and other guys asked what the fuck is wrong with my so called man. Then you get mad when they help me do what you should have done. And he call him my boyfriend or start stuff with them. Or wait you didn’t want it done at all. I’m confused. Man up or get over it.

Advice for Dating an Aspie

Advice for Dating an Aspie

If your partner is an Aspie, this post by Bittergrapes will help you come up with a plan about relationship dos and don’ts. Including things like: Being clear, honest, and upfront, avoid sarcasm, don’t assume it’s common sense, meltdowns, boundaries, and more.

Fake It to Make It

As an Adult with Aspies I have learned to adapt to societies mold to better look and act more neurotypical.

This could be the cause of one of many reasons.  I was never told ‘why’ I was different. But I would guess all Aspies learn to cope by adulthood to a certain degree.

Although I was tested as a child my parents did not accept the label. So it was never shared with me. I had a loving mom overall but she was not going to have a mental ill child and I would stop this or that. You will do that and this like the other children. She would nag and push and annoy me so much (and still does). It has always been a trigger for me.

My father did not believe in anything he could not see. I looked fine I was just acting stupid and he would spank and yell at me when I did xy&z. And if I did AB or C it was the same case. To avoid abuse and triggers I would make sure I was aware of what I was doing to make sure I did not “mess up” to my parents. I hated my dad and thankful he was not always around!

Recently I was at a meeting for my son. He is a lot like me. You know, something is just not quite right. As I was getting turned down for anything remotely going on with him. My sons councilor spoke up and stated my concerns that I have seen spectrum like things for some time and would like that ruled out or confirmed. No we don’t think so, they said. They started to tell me how a typical Aspies was and I let them know it ran in my family.

Not being heard I told them I have Asperger syndrome.  She caught off guard sarcasticly replied, “Oh really!?” Followed but I don’t see it – you are so “social” and you interact, you smile, and engage in what we are saying. People on the spectrum are robotic. I just can’t see that – why do you think you have Aspergers?

I snapped back rather quickly, I do not think I have Aspergers, I know. I have gone through the tests that I want little man tested for. Not only did I have the testing done but I had it done in TWO different states, years apart, with the same results, and the first set was not shared with the school before. So I do not think, I know. What you see is fake its been practiced. I have learned to cope with things as I grew up.

But you have emotion when you talk, she says.

Thank you for noticing. It is not always so  apparent. I’m actually rather bland. I have learned that I need to get neurotypicals to hear me I have to speak how they speak. I have actually taught myself to imitate people well for an Aspie to get where I am. This meeting took me all day to prepare for. And it will take the rest of the day for me to recover from. I had to work hard to get here today. And I slammed three Mountain Dews on the 10 minute ride here to prepare for my own body emotions. Weather they are appropriate or not I will surely show some! When I read your body language, I do not hear the words your voice produces. When I focus on my movements, where my eyes are looking, and trying not to make a dumb unappropriated face, its at the cost of going back home with very little info.

I attempted to remind her I was not here to prove anything about myself but to talk about my kid.

She had to make a few more comments. I’m so hungry I would can eat a horse. Oh my god you are going to eat a horse? is something someone with Aspergers would say.

I wonder if she saw the fucked up look on my face. I’m certain it showed! Not that I thought she was claiming to eat a horse but the way she said it I did not get that she was speaking in a metaphor. I was lost for a minute about what we were talking about.  I didn’t figure it out entirely until we got back to the car! But I had replied that I was an adult and it was alot of learning to get to the place I was at.

Then the one last thing she just needed to say was, “… but emotions. A person with Aspergers has no emotions. They just do not care. You seem caring. Your son seems caring.”

I snapped for a moment. Offended as I do have emotions. I have lots of emotions. I never show them the way that fits societies one sized fits all mold but I still have emotions and I do still care and feel. I found myself blurting out about my recent funerals for  loved ones. Very close loved ones. My son and I were the only ones with dry eyes. We hug people and tried to fit in but neither of us shed a tear. We had the only dry eyes in the place. It wasn’t that we didn’t morn. I wasn’t that we didn’t care. It’s not that we can not cry. In fact we can cry about something stupid that is meaning less. But we did not and could not cry their. I’m sure I looked like a cold hard bitch and like I raised my kid to be the same. But that is not true. I miss my loved ones but I moaned them differently. To me it was more helpful to plant a tree in the yard for my uncle who loved to do wood working. My son and I both decided a garden was much better for our Grandmother. The fruit we grew reminded us of her daily all season. We paid respect to her grave by dropping off the prized tomato for her to have.

So to say we don’t have emotions is unprofessional and completely untrue. I’m sorry if my choice of emotion affends others (not really) but I do not fit in your one-size-fits-all and I will not try and force it.

Accept that Aspies is the same but in a different way!

Sex. What’s the point?

For Adults Only

I don’t get what all the hype is about sex. I’ve heard that things get better as you get older but here I am knocking prime time’s door and I am less interested in sex than ever before.

When I have sex or think about it – I cringe. I feel uncomfortable and I have an urge to run like hell in the opposite direction. You know like the cat running from the horny skunk on that cartoon!

When I give in – I feel awkward. I feel it all (ekkk! so ignoring)  but not like ohhhh this is great – it’s more like a probing in out in out. Faking an orgasm… hell I’m lucky if I’m able to fake enjoyment. I find the probing so irritating and annoying that the more I say yes to sex the more I freaking hate sex and the more I don’t want to be with ANYONE.

Most of the time I find myself just spreading only to please him. I want him to be satisfied and men ‘need’ sex. After-all, I know if he don’t get it from home he will get it elsewhere.  But then I begin feeling bitter by doing something I totally hate and he’s not satisfying me in areas that are important to me. More times than none, anymore, I feel like giving up. I question why I go out of my way to satisfy him and keep him, when he does not do the same in return for me.

I dislike taking about it with others. I’ve tried that and it ends with some asshole making a smart ass remark to make or giving unwanted advice on how to fix myself. I know what an orgasm is. I can do it myself and I’ve experienced them during sex  but it really isn’t a feeling I run to get. Honestly I don’t think it has anything at all to do with me being broken. I think I just work differently (like I do in other areas of life) I think the stars and the moon need to line up in life for me to find that enjoyment.

When I’m not completely happy in life I one of two things either completely turned off by sex. Sex being totally undesirable and unpleasurable. Or I a sexaohlic with very little pleasure (but only when I control and have an interest). I don’t think it has much to do with him either. I know he can make it enjoyable. (Although the more he begs the less spontaneous I feel to approach him with a suprize)

Some interesting reads:

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2008/01/aspies-and-sexuality.html

http://thinkingautismguide.blogspot.com/2011/07/autism-and-orgasm.html

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