I don’t know – I’m not lying.

Frustrated. Very frustrated. My entire life has been a huge finding me seek. I think I found it and then I’m suddenly detouring down another path after becoming so board. I won’t flip flop but more a subtle turn.

Barely a year – into knowing I’m one of the few adults who received a diagnosis and I feel more frustrated today than ever before. Now I feel like I’m under the watch of others as I scam to pick up the pieces to find who I am and announce it to the world with expression. The thing is – I know who I am. I’ve always known, really. I didn’t know then, I knew because I could not say I knew. Confused yet?!

My moods vary and this is confusing not only to me but others as well. I okay with it. All my moods make up me but they vary as if I’m a misfit.

Hmmm…

Think puzzle factory mixing up many puzzle pictures. All used the same die to cut the shapes but each has a different piece. While I’m a completed puzzle, I don’t quite match. My whole completed picture just isn’t right!! We have a sky piece and a pumpkin eye next to firework sparks. I’m sure everyone has multiside/moods but I can not express myself in a way that is sublet to blend in and standout in a nice even, balanced way. The puzzle gets funny looks when the pieces don’t match. I want to blend in – however I want to be heard too.

I’m frustrated because I can not find those words I need to express myself.

One of my biggest problems, my cluelessness to the world. I starting to see this now.

You can ask me to answer a question that is true and a fact only I can know. I will tell you I do not know because I never gave it thought. I will not be able to answer you until I go home – and think about it. It may be hours or days later before I finally figure it out.

I need that time! For me, I didn’t need to think of it. I knew it – but I somehow did not pick up on it until I later wrecked my mind to replay it all and then find the words that best describe it.

Sometimes I don’t get jokes and I don’t pick up on sarcasm. Sometimes I trust (or don’t trust) when I need to do the other – but how can I be just as blind to the subtle gestures in my very own mind as I am in this world? Or be so blind that I can not answer such factish questions about myself?!

The good thing is at least I have my database backed up and can access the info. Sometimes I’m not able to do that in this world, especially when the chaos follows me.

So I’m not lying I just did not process the info you requested. I need to gather my thoughts to be able to answer it correctly. I guess my mind saw that part of life as unimportant white noise and stored it in the recycle bin (good thing I don’t cclean it too!)

I’m autistic even in my world! Perhaps subtle things get past me in my (odd coffee filter) mind and other subtle things still annoy the shit out of me in both worlds. 🙂

world.png

 

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I scream but nobody hears

I scream who I am, but nobody hears. I scream what I am, why I am, because I am, but the echos go unheard; and misunderstood.

I’m much more than the surface shows. I have a personality. I have reasons. I have wants and needs just like everyone else.

It’s not often, I want to share more than the surface shows. But when I do  – no one is here to hear what I say.

The way I communicate is probably much of the reason. But its all I know. This is the only language I speak and now I’m figuring out I’m the only one who knows the basic grammar on the language I scream.

I pretend so much. I avoid so much. Even my best friend don’t know me like he used to. He got me before. Well more than most. Now he knows the least. He’s right there above the stranger in the store than stairs at me while I nervously tremble, sweat building up under my pour, fighting to stay “logged in” while I eagerly count the seconds until I’m  save to shut down.

The more I explain, the harder I try… the less I’m heard and the more I’m more than just a misfit. The anxiety that is triggered by this all…  I remember why I stopped talking and trying to get it out. My best friend and my mom both my besties kill me, shoot me dead. Bang, Bang.

Then BAM happy little world. I get on a high with myself excited about something I latched on to for my new interest. In hear everything makes sense.

Was that it? Was my best friend, the father of my children, only my interest for the past 10 years? Did I complete it? That’s it? WTF!? Have I lost interest? Yeah so I know I have  lost some interest. I’ve grown very board and unsatisfied… But this is everything against human nature. Am I really that alien-like?! Nah, but I am maxed-out, and he’s not “getting” me. He’s not making the right effort. He’s not keeping my interest, any longer. Instead of the want, it’s now much more chore or work, but without a paycheck or reward, without a “purpose” – at least one that satisfies me and makes me want to…. $%^&*#$%

I float and drift through lots but sometimes I need to release more creative energy and he’s been pushing me down and pulling the plug on it. It don’t make sense to me I have not fully decoded it so I can not explain anymore but I’m feeling explosive!

The best of “YOU MAY BE FROM AN AUTISM HOUSEHOLD IF”

Here are a few of my favorites…

YOU MAY BE FROM AN AUTISM HOUSEHOLD IF:

  • The locks and alarms on your doors are similar to those on prison cells.
  • Your child can have the same thing for lunch every day and always enjoy it.
  • You are no longer alarmed by piercing, high pitched screams but only by the sound of broken glass.
  • The definition of a clean house is now, one that doesn’t have an overflowing trash can, dishes in the sink are rinsed, and laundry is at least in the hamper or in the basket.
  • Someone walks into your house and asks if you live in a dangerous neighborhood and you say no… the window locks, gate locks and three types of door locks are to keep my kid in… not bad guys out.
  • You can communicate with your non-verbal child without using words, PECS or sign language.
  • You still have to tie your teenagers shoe laces.
  • You have holes in your walls that were caused by your child’s head during meltdowns.
  • You know your child pooped…you just don’t know where.
And this one is more like me than him – he just has to eat his food in a particular order.
Your child has to sort his fruit loop cereals according to colors before eating them.
This is a partial list from the Facebook page Single Mothers who have Children with Autism.Visit the site to view the complete list!

I love him, I love him not

I’m sure that I am not an easy one to live with. I’ve been told. My mom was eager to get me out, even before I was 18. I graduated High School at 18, with an apartment.

Since then I’ve been independant. My whole like I had people making choices for me and now I could do it for myself. I didn’t like the change at first. I missed sleeping with my mom. I missed the smell of her house. I missed my mommy. But once I got settled, I got set in my ways. Hey if I want the table here. Here is were it will go. If I need the couch and chair to line up – fine – Its mine!

But then I met him… he lived with him mom and pops, never had what I had. He was childish, outgoing, and fun. Something I desired. Something I was not but not by choice. Remember I never knew why I was the way I was. Always happy with myself I saw I was different and I saw that I was the same. Nobody could ever see that. Nobody could see this side of me because it hid inside and masked itself in a quirky artistic way. So I hung out with you and we had a really great time. You were my best friend. What you don’t know my name? You asked me hey aren’t you that girl at my school. So maybe it was just me having a good time watching you have a good time. I was posted on the wall like the fly. It was the best time of my life.

Well when I met him , he made me feel like that but he remembered my name. I may have been a fly on the wall but he noticed me and played with me. He kept the conversation going. When he was loud it was goofy stuff and it made me laugh. I never laughed before unless it was me being the “funny” one with my bbf (my true friend that saw past the shell) or my bub that was stranger than I. He could be somewhat obnoxious and it was awesome to have that taken from me and be able to find humor in it.

But then somewhere things changed. Me saying shit thats down right mean because I thought thats they way to but the way I felt into human words. And the lack of shutdown time. I needed recharged and I didn’t and still do not know how to get this out (well I think I do but nobody listens- so I guess its not quite right) .

I want a family. I have a family. But I feel like I’m doing in alone with him watching. I’m the watcher and if I’m not watching get your ass up here with me. I’m tired of not being heard. Hes tired of me not talkin or “bitching.” I see it as I’m right and honestly I’m not willing to change much. I’m me. I’m who I have always been. He is the one that changed. The only change is he has not grown up any. Except hes mean now and it rare that hes funny. Its not cute being a kid when you have kids.

gwigfwgf gfuegfi nothing got out. Not only can I not talk but I can’t seem to get it out anywhere other than my head -Which BTW fully understands. Since he has came back – I’m not so happy. He yells a lot. He scares me – no startles me. He touches me. He asked me what I’m doing and makes me want to stop doing anything. (I don’t know why) He makes me feel down. I’m not a down person although I appear to others as a sad depressed person. (But I am not!) He says stuff he don’t mean and then he don’t follow through. If you say you want to leave and move out this weekend – of course come Monday I wonder WTF you are doing here. Wait what monday? Fuck. This shit confuses me. We certainly did not make up. I went to sleep I woke up. Nothing changed. I don’t understand this crap. He says to tell him when I need help. I was raised that a “real” man would do it when he was it was needed. But I compromised and started asking him. He ignores me or complains or acts like a hooker that would only do whatever if I gave him something. Huh. Now we have two problems you were a lazy fucking loser who was not man enough to do the “dirty” work and you ignored me. Then you are made when I do it myself and other guys asked what the fuck is wrong with my so called man. Then you get mad when they help me do what you should have done. And he call him my boyfriend or start stuff with them. Or wait you didn’t want it done at all. I’m confused. Man up or get over it.

Enuresis

Enuresis is urinating in places beside the potty. This has frustrated me for years. My son would pee everywhere. I thought we were alone, that we failed as parents. I was embarrassed and discussed of my house. We did our best to clean, clean, clean. But it seemed that it was never good enough. Ahh. I’m still trying to piece all of it together. He has since improved greatly. But our house is far from normal. We just learned that he has a form of Autism. Things have gotten so much better since we learned what the problem was by just making little changes.

 

Links:

Bedwetting: another autistic problem?

My Aspergers Child: Aspergers and Enuresis.

12 & peeing everywhere but in toilet

Bedwetting and Autism

Haven’t thought of what…

Haven’t thought of what I should call myself, as that seems to sum up many people with Aspergers—the whole switching of identities.

– Comment made by Aspergers Girls Ten Traits post.

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