I scream but nobody hears

I scream who I am, but nobody hears. I scream what I am, why I am, because I am, but the echos go unheard; and misunderstood.

I’m much more than the surface shows. I have a personality. I have reasons. I have wants and needs just like everyone else.

It’s not often, I want to share more than the surface shows. But when I do  – no one is here to hear what I say.

The way I communicate is probably much of the reason. But its all I know. This is the only language I speak and now I’m figuring out I’m the only one who knows the basic grammar on the language I scream.

I pretend so much. I avoid so much. Even my best friend don’t know me like he used to. He got me before. Well more than most. Now he knows the least. He’s right there above the stranger in the store than stairs at me while I nervously tremble, sweat building up under my pour, fighting to stay “logged in” while I eagerly count the seconds until I’m  save to shut down.

The more I explain, the harder I try… the less I’m heard and the more I’m more than just a misfit. The anxiety that is triggered by this all…  I remember why I stopped talking and trying to get it out. My best friend and my mom both my besties kill me, shoot me dead. Bang, Bang.

Then BAM happy little world. I get on a high with myself excited about something I latched on to for my new interest. In hear everything makes sense.

Was that it? Was my best friend, the father of my children, only my interest for the past 10 years? Did I complete it? That’s it? WTF!? Have I lost interest? Yeah so I know I have  lost some interest. I’ve grown very board and unsatisfied… But this is everything against human nature. Am I really that alien-like?! Nah, but I am maxed-out, and he’s not “getting” me. He’s not making the right effort. He’s not keeping my interest, any longer. Instead of the want, it’s now much more chore or work, but without a paycheck or reward, without a “purpose” – at least one that satisfies me and makes me want to…. $%^&*#$%

I float and drift through lots but sometimes I need to release more creative energy and he’s been pushing me down and pulling the plug on it. It don’t make sense to me I have not fully decoded it so I can not explain anymore but I’m feeling explosive!

Ableism

Dave wrote about “ableism” in his post titled, “Silence and The Day Before.”

Many people judge Aspies as NT, we are often looked at as the bad guy or the strange and unusual. As kids we were labeled weirdo, geek, and freak. The truth is we tick differently and well the beat of our drum is different than what others expect. Although we tick differently the cause is nearly invisible. Without a wheel chair you are labeled “able”. Without a dog leading the way you are labeled as “able”. Without a translator using sign language we just fit into the mold of “normal” and labeled as “able”.

One size fits all does not fit the  mold anymore, people. I know people are just not used to invisible differences but they certainly exist.

I personally like to blend in as a NT, especially in public. The last thing I want is strangers attention focused on me burning holes in me with their stairs on curiosity. It makes me want to jump around like a monkey scratching my pits – but I can’t do it because I can get over the unwanted attention I would receive from the one and only person not staring. So I guess it’s best for Aspies to look normal.

Ableism has certainly been a problem from a parents view. Some people feel because they shared the air in a store that they are somehow entitled to judge my child’s ‘bratty outburst’ as being as spoiled brat and make ugly comments or give dirty looks. Comments like “give me a day with him, he’ll walk a straight line,” “boy, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” (Yes it’s you bitch… Now turn around and mind your own!) Oh I don’t miss those days.

At times I wished that he looked less normal so the comments and unwanted attention didn’t make the situation worse.

An Older Aspie Mum

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