I don’t know – I’m not lying.

Frustrated. Very frustrated. My entire life has been a huge finding me seek. I think I found it and then I’m suddenly detouring down another path after becoming so board. I won’t flip flop but more a subtle turn.

Barely a year – into knowing I’m one of the few adults who received a diagnosis and I feel more frustrated today than ever before. Now I feel like I’m under the watch of others as I scam to pick up the pieces to find who I am and announce it to the world with expression. The thing is – I know who I am. I’ve always known, really. I didn’t know then, I knew because I could not say I knew. Confused yet?!

My moods vary and this is confusing not only to me but others as well. I okay with it. All my moods make up me but they vary as if I’m a misfit.

Hmmm…

Think puzzle factory mixing up many puzzle pictures. All used the same die to cut the shapes but each has a different piece. While I’m a completed puzzle, I don’t quite match. My whole completed picture just isn’t right!! We have a sky piece and a pumpkin eye next to firework sparks. I’m sure everyone has multiside/moods but I can not express myself in a way that is sublet to blend in and standout in a nice even, balanced way. The puzzle gets funny looks when the pieces don’t match. I want to blend in – however I want to be heard too.

I’m frustrated because I can not find those words I need to express myself.

One of my biggest problems, my cluelessness to the world. I starting to see this now.

You can ask me to answer a question that is true and a fact only I can know. I will tell you I do not know because I never gave it thought. I will not be able to answer you until I go home – and think about it. It may be hours or days later before I finally figure it out.

I need that time! For me, I didn’t need to think of it. I knew it – but I somehow did not pick up on it until I later wrecked my mind to replay it all and then find the words that best describe it.

Sometimes I don’t get jokes and I don’t pick up on sarcasm. Sometimes I trust (or don’t trust) when I need to do the other – but how can I be just as blind to the subtle gestures in my very own mind as I am in this world? Or be so blind that I can not answer such factish questions about myself?!

The good thing is at least I have my database backed up and can access the info. Sometimes I’m not able to do that in this world, especially when the chaos follows me.

So I’m not lying I just did not process the info you requested. I need to gather my thoughts to be able to answer it correctly. I guess my mind saw that part of life as unimportant white noise and stored it in the recycle bin (good thing I don’t cclean it too!)

I’m autistic even in my world! Perhaps subtle things get past me in my (odd coffee filter) mind and other subtle things still annoy the shit out of me in both worlds. 🙂

world.png

 

Autistic? My kid is just a spoiled brat who would get better if we would just (fill in the blank)….

As a parent with a child on the spectrum, I’m annoyed by these kind of comments, like most other parents in shoes like mine (ha we must shop at the same place!)

I love my mom. Really she’s one of the few people who get me. I feel comfortable with her. Not completely but she’s able to be those pieces that fill the blank spots when others don’t come close.

One thing she never got was my autism. As her only child she assumed she just spoiled me. That perhaps if she would have just done *fill in the blank* I would have been different.

When the school suggested something wasn’t right she was defensive. She saw a smart kid. A kid that was advanced at xyz and learned easily with her non professionally teaching me… and if I was having problems learning abc… perhaps the teachers were not professionally trained or doing their jobs.

When they begged her to test me. She angrily declined.

Yes I was smart in areas but I struggled in others. Yes I was spoiled but I was not just being a spoiled brat. Everything had a purpose. Everything needed to be so… EVERYTHING. Play. School. Friends. Sleep. Breathing. Clothing. Shoes. EVERYTHING! It not needed to be a “good” reason to you. I didn’t need to be acceptable either.

When the suggested placing me in the seclusion class anyway, she flipped out. Whoa I remember being there for that meeting.

An IEP was put in place for me. A few teachers requested it on my behalf. I team was created and I assume knowing what I know about my own child’s “team” and what they can and cannot do; she was invited to “join” the “team” but the team can still move on without her. Again I assume this is where she was “forced” to consent.

I finally was able to get minimum services through the school. But I missed out on so much. I wish my mom could have accepted me and not fought to not get me help. I needed help. Now that I’m an adult I struggle each and every day, in silence, unable to deal with the chaos in the real world.

Mom spanking me would not have worked. When you gave into my quirk request from frustration  you were not being a bad mom. You were doing the natural thing. I needed to sooth myself and by hitting me, again, or re-spanking me, you fixed the problem that I needed. I would not have stopped. I would not have given up. I can tell you now I could outlast you and run circles around you. To me it makes since. I don’t expect you to make since of it or my autism but simply to accept it.

The best of “YOU MAY BE FROM AN AUTISM HOUSEHOLD IF”

Here are a few of my favorites…

YOU MAY BE FROM AN AUTISM HOUSEHOLD IF:

  • The locks and alarms on your doors are similar to those on prison cells.
  • Your child can have the same thing for lunch every day and always enjoy it.
  • You are no longer alarmed by piercing, high pitched screams but only by the sound of broken glass.
  • The definition of a clean house is now, one that doesn’t have an overflowing trash can, dishes in the sink are rinsed, and laundry is at least in the hamper or in the basket.
  • Someone walks into your house and asks if you live in a dangerous neighborhood and you say no… the window locks, gate locks and three types of door locks are to keep my kid in… not bad guys out.
  • You can communicate with your non-verbal child without using words, PECS or sign language.
  • You still have to tie your teenagers shoe laces.
  • You have holes in your walls that were caused by your child’s head during meltdowns.
  • You know your child pooped…you just don’t know where.
And this one is more like me than him – he just has to eat his food in a particular order.
Your child has to sort his fruit loop cereals according to colors before eating them.
This is a partial list from the Facebook page Single Mothers who have Children with Autism.Visit the site to view the complete list!
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