I don’t know – I’m not lying.

Frustrated. Very frustrated. My entire life has been a huge finding me seek. I think I found it and then I’m suddenly detouring down another path after becoming so board. I won’t flip flop but more a subtle turn.

Barely a year – into knowing I’m one of the few adults who received a diagnosis and I feel more frustrated today than ever before. Now I feel like I’m under the watch of others as I scam to pick up the pieces to find who I am and announce it to the world with expression. The thing is – I know who I am. I’ve always known, really. I didn’t know then, I knew because I could not say I knew. Confused yet?!

My moods vary and this is confusing not only to me but others as well. I okay with it. All my moods make up me but they vary as if I’m a misfit.

Hmmm…

Think puzzle factory mixing up many puzzle pictures. All used the same die to cut the shapes but each has a different piece. While I’m a completed puzzle, I don’t quite match. My whole completed picture just isn’t right!! We have a sky piece and a pumpkin eye next to firework sparks. I’m sure everyone has multiside/moods but I can not express myself in a way that is sublet to blend in and standout in a nice even, balanced way. The puzzle gets funny looks when the pieces don’t match. I want to blend in – however I want to be heard too.

I’m frustrated because I can not find those words I need to express myself.

One of my biggest problems, my cluelessness to the world. I starting to see this now.

You can ask me to answer a question that is true and a fact only I can know. I will tell you I do not know because I never gave it thought. I will not be able to answer you until I go home – and think about it. It may be hours or days later before I finally figure it out.

I need that time! For me, I didn’t need to think of it. I knew it – but I somehow did not pick up on it until I later wrecked my mind to replay it all and then find the words that best describe it.

Sometimes I don’t get jokes and I don’t pick up on sarcasm. Sometimes I trust (or don’t trust) when I need to do the other – but how can I be just as blind to the subtle gestures in my very own mind as I am in this world? Or be so blind that I can not answer such factish questions about myself?!

The good thing is at least I have my database backed up and can access the info. Sometimes I’m not able to do that in this world, especially when the chaos follows me.

So I’m not lying I just did not process the info you requested. I need to gather my thoughts to be able to answer it correctly. I guess my mind saw that part of life as unimportant white noise and stored it in the recycle bin (good thing I don’t cclean it too!)

I’m autistic even in my world! Perhaps subtle things get past me in my (odd coffee filter) mind and other subtle things still annoy the shit out of me in both worlds. 🙂

world.png

 

I scream but nobody hears

I scream who I am, but nobody hears. I scream what I am, why I am, because I am, but the echos go unheard; and misunderstood.

I’m much more than the surface shows. I have a personality. I have reasons. I have wants and needs just like everyone else.

It’s not often, I want to share more than the surface shows. But when I do  – no one is here to hear what I say.

The way I communicate is probably much of the reason. But its all I know. This is the only language I speak and now I’m figuring out I’m the only one who knows the basic grammar on the language I scream.

I pretend so much. I avoid so much. Even my best friend don’t know me like he used to. He got me before. Well more than most. Now he knows the least. He’s right there above the stranger in the store than stairs at me while I nervously tremble, sweat building up under my pour, fighting to stay “logged in” while I eagerly count the seconds until I’m  save to shut down.

The more I explain, the harder I try… the less I’m heard and the more I’m more than just a misfit. The anxiety that is triggered by this all…  I remember why I stopped talking and trying to get it out. My best friend and my mom both my besties kill me, shoot me dead. Bang, Bang.

Then BAM happy little world. I get on a high with myself excited about something I latched on to for my new interest. In hear everything makes sense.

Was that it? Was my best friend, the father of my children, only my interest for the past 10 years? Did I complete it? That’s it? WTF!? Have I lost interest? Yeah so I know I have  lost some interest. I’ve grown very board and unsatisfied… But this is everything against human nature. Am I really that alien-like?! Nah, but I am maxed-out, and he’s not “getting” me. He’s not making the right effort. He’s not keeping my interest, any longer. Instead of the want, it’s now much more chore or work, but without a paycheck or reward, without a “purpose” – at least one that satisfies me and makes me want to…. $%^&*#$%

I float and drift through lots but sometimes I need to release more creative energy and he’s been pushing me down and pulling the plug on it. It don’t make sense to me I have not fully decoded it so I can not explain anymore but I’m feeling explosive!

The best of “YOU MAY BE FROM AN AUTISM HOUSEHOLD IF”

Here are a few of my favorites…

YOU MAY BE FROM AN AUTISM HOUSEHOLD IF:

  • The locks and alarms on your doors are similar to those on prison cells.
  • Your child can have the same thing for lunch every day and always enjoy it.
  • You are no longer alarmed by piercing, high pitched screams but only by the sound of broken glass.
  • The definition of a clean house is now, one that doesn’t have an overflowing trash can, dishes in the sink are rinsed, and laundry is at least in the hamper or in the basket.
  • Someone walks into your house and asks if you live in a dangerous neighborhood and you say no… the window locks, gate locks and three types of door locks are to keep my kid in… not bad guys out.
  • You can communicate with your non-verbal child without using words, PECS or sign language.
  • You still have to tie your teenagers shoe laces.
  • You have holes in your walls that were caused by your child’s head during meltdowns.
  • You know your child pooped…you just don’t know where.
And this one is more like me than him – he just has to eat his food in a particular order.
Your child has to sort his fruit loop cereals according to colors before eating them.
This is a partial list from the Facebook page Single Mothers who have Children with Autism.Visit the site to view the complete list!

Look at me while I misunderstand you: An Aspie/NT Morning

Look at me while I misunderstand you

– Blog: 30 Days of Autism

 

When mommy doesn’t talk

I’d like to think that I have came along way since being the awkward child I once was. But then I missed one little detail that’s huge that suddenly bring me back to reality and that my weirdo guard can never be let down.

My mommy doesn’t talk much. She is usually quite and rarely responds to anything. It makes me feel like my mommy just don’t listen to me much.

— The words of my sweet little 8 year old daughter

I heard my daughter say this the other day. These words break my heart.

I try so damn hard to be a good mom to my kids. Often times I don’t respond. I see that. I can blurt out off the wall shit when I fell forced to speak or attempt to comment about everything. The world really does not want to know what I think at the very second!

In my defense: At the time, I didn’t see that a response was needed or I did not know what to say so I was quit. I need to work on this. I LOL in my head wondering what kind of crazy woman I look like sitting quietly not responding when I was expected to. I need to show her someway I hear what she says I love her sweet little voice and I hear every word she says even when it starts converting to random blabber to my brain. I would never tell her that last part. It’s not her, its everyone. My brain can only process so much. I hear it all, I really do, but I can’t make it all out and that’s why I seek the point so quickly.

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